Sunday, July 31, 2011

I wanna feel the breeze

Yesterday I started a mini naked revolution.  One of the things I like best about myself as I get older is that I truly don't care about societal rules of thumb and judgments from others. 

All that rejection and bullying throughout my life shaped me to understand that no matter how hard I tried, some people were just not going to be an Azara fan.  Once I got past the hurt of that realization and the guilt of losing my religion, it was incredibly liberating.  Now the only person whose opinion I care about is mine and it's a fantastic way to live.  Not necessarily selfish, because I have standards for my behaviour and how it impacts J. and S., and I don't like myself if I'm being an asshole.  But I digress...

Last night I went with a group of ladies to a water spa for my friend's bachelorette, and since my bikini doesn't fit post-S., I went in the saltwater pool nude once I'd confirmed the sight wouldn't irreparably traumatize the bride-to-be.  Imagine my surprise when four of the other women promptly removed their bathing suits.  Everyone had wanted to go au naturel, but was too shy to do so.  Azara strikes again - woot woot!

I've always been very comfortable with nudity and really prefer not to wear clothes.  It's not about exhibitionism - I don't want people to stare at me.  I just enjoy the feeling of air, sun and water on my bare skin.  I tried to talk J. into going to a nudist colony because I'd really like to sunbathe with nothing on, but he's resisted so far.  Boo.  So the clothing-optional spa pool was super relaxing.

When I walk in the door from work, the first thing I do is divest myself of all restrictive fabric, the tension of the day flying off me along with my bra.  One of the reasons I detest people dropping by unexpectedly is because it means I have to go get dressed, which leaves them waiting for some time at the door. 

It will be a significant change for me when S. gets a little older and I start having to wear clothes around the house, which I feel is necessary.  I'm not sure why.  I do feel it's inappropriate to go around naked in front of your kids past a certain age, which is contradictory to everything I just said in this post.  I need to mull this over a bit more and figure out the reason for this feeling (yay, another chance to over-analyze something!).

now this does NOTlook comfy

What are your views on nudity?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Tired already

Since I've been spending all my time sleeping, it hasn't left much time for blogging.  I'm on vacation this week, but it hasn't been very relaxing despite all the napping.  I'm the matron of honour in a wedding this Monday and have been popping around getting my outfit together and organizing the bachelorette.  Fun but tiring is the theme of this vacation so far, and I'm a little nervous about my stamina for the wedding day itself.

My good friend is East Indian and is marrying a white Australian guy, so they're having two ceremonies in one day - Sikh and Christian.  The Sikh ceremony starts at 9:30AM and the Christian ceremony is at 5:30PM, followed by a reception until at least 11:00PM.  Given S. is usually in bed by 8:00PM, we may well be treated to a loud display of the less attractive aspects of our darling daughter's personality. 

When she gets tired enough, S. emits random piercing shrieks, much like a velociraptor in Jurassic Park, to indicate her batteries are running dangerously low.  If these are ignored, she writhes around in one's lap as if she's having full body dry heaves, interspersed with loud squawks of misery.  I can sympathize. 

There's not much worse than being really tired and not being able to sleep, because you're at a social gathering or work or some other troublesome event.  The extra element of torture for an adult is having to pretend that you're not exhausted, and in this case, not at all embarrassed by the wild animal masquerading as your toddler.  I've already warned J. that he may have to just take her out to the car and let her sleep in her car seat if she gets really fired up. 

Normally we would ask one of our parents to watch S., but with the rehearsal dinner the night before and ceremonies the entire next day and night, it's too much to ask.  Any suggestions on how to manage a 13-month-old in this situation?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Let's pretend that matters

The road is a glistening black snake slithering away from us, writhing in the sun.  Gazing out the car window at the ripening countryside, I breathe in music like air; the notes slide down my throat and dance inside me.  Meredith turns around in the front seat, hair settling over her shoulders like a golden shawl, and laughs at my dreamy expression. 

I ignore her, focusing instead on thoughts of Sean’s dark wavy hair and lithe body.  He is larger and emptier every time I think of him, like a huge inflatable doll, and I blow him up with expectations and pieces of fairy tales.  Unknown to him, he has become a knight.

Natasha and Meredith pull boys toward them like magnets, but I’m fifteen and fearing I’ll soon be sweet sixteen and never been kissed.  Already my friends are condescending, patting my shoulder with smug smiles and assurance that a great guy will come along soon.  I need a boyfriend now, one that will impress my friends, even make them jealous.  And here's Sean, my soulmate arriving just in time, perfect as can be.

I edited this for an Indie Ink challenge from something I wrote awhile ago and didn't really like.  I'm still not a big fan, but the inspiration juices ran dry on this one.  Boo.  Hopefully I'll do better next week.

Tara from Thin Spiral Notebook challenged me with "That's my story, and I'm sticking with it!" and I challenged Yvonne from Attracted to Shiny Things with "a furry whale, tattoos and a succubus."

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I braked but it was too late

Last Sunday was the bee incident, and on Thursday I managed to hit and kill a skunk on my way home from a girls' night.  Me, nature and the automobile are obviously not a good combination.  It was 36 (97F) degrees that day (46 (115F) with the humidex), so for those nuts who think all of Canada is like the no.  Anyway, it was pleasantly hot as I was driving home at 11:00, so I had all the windows and sunroof open when I hit the skunk.

An incredible stench filled the air.  And stayed.  By the time I got home, I was nauseated from the smell and confused by why it was still there, since I'd been driving 80km/hour at the time of impact.  Walking through the house, I realized that it reeked of skunk everywhere I went.  In a panic, I rushed into our bedroom and shook poor J. awake.  Flinging my arm against his nose, I demanded, "Do I smell?  I hit a skunk and I can still smell it!  Do you smell it?" 

"Urrr," groaned J.  "No, I don' smell anythin'", and he rolled over and went back to sleep.  Unconvinced, I threw my capris and tank top in the laundry and debated taking a bath.  But I wasn't about to go buy several litres of tomato juice in the middle of the night and I didn't think water was going to do the trick.  And I didn't understand how skunk spray could have gotten on me since I was in the car.  With the windows open...slowly my tiny mind began to grasp what must have happened, and I began running the bath water.

Long story short, the car and I were both less fragrant once we were bathed (not together obviously), and J. hosed the blood out of the car's wheel well (OMG gag OMG!).  It appears we were very lightly dusted, and either the stank has faded or I've just gotten used to it.  But people don't seem to be standing further away than usual, so I think I'm good. 

RIP skunk.  I'm sorry our paths crossed in such an unpleasant way - for both of us.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Caught in the rain

Kara leaned back in her padded beach chair, twirling her empty glass between wet fingers.  If she ordered another pina colada, the bronzed cabana boy would come back over, flashing that ivory toothpaste-ad smile and undressing her with dark, knowing eyes.   Best to exert some self-control - not her strong point - and go back to the honeymoon suite. 

With a sigh, Kara set down the sugar-rimmed glass, retied her sparkly black bikini straps and slid a dainty foot into her new flip flops, taking a moment to note the curve of her perfectly smooth calf.  All those pre-wedding workouts sure had paid off:  she'd never been in such good shape.  Gasping for her last breath in spin class, she'd imagined Sean's eyes widening as she stepped out of her wedding dress and struck a pose in her ruffled white garter.  It was all she needed to keep going.

Kara stepped past the swaying fringe of the beach umbrella beside her chair, and tripped over her empty glass.  Maybe three pina coladas had been too many...a firm hand closed on her arm, steadying her as she looked up into the cabana boy's heated gaze.  "Careful, miss," he murmured, and Kara quickly slipped her left hand behind her back, wiggling her rings loose.  No need to confuse the dear boy.

Moaning underneath him, Kara's mind finally cleared of all thought...Sean, the horrified, pitying faces of friends and family, ripping off the hideous white dress alone.  For a few desperate moments, her sky was blue again.

I wrote this for an Indie Ink challenge.  I was challenged by My Eclectic Book with "Pina coladas, beach umbrella, one rain cloud and cabana boys."  I challenged Cedar with "It was never enough."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Gas pains

Part kajillion of the farce that is my life:  you wouldn't think pumping gas would be a hazardous activity, but apparently it is for me.  Actually, the possibility of accidentally starting a fiery inferno or being shot by a deranged thief means gas stations aren't exactly havens of security.  But refueling is such a routine activity that I didn't see yet another Little Miss Whoops moment heading my way.

I always pay at the pump, so after I retrieved my violently abused credit card, I put the nozzle away and promptly walked into the gas hatch that I'd left open.  Ouch.  I slammed it shut, and got into the car, rubbing my leg and trying to look like of course I meant to leave the hatch open.  I put the key in the ignition, leaned into my seat and shrieked in agony as a burning, slicing pain exploded across my back. As I jerked forward, another white-hot stab lanced into my back.  WTF!!  All thoughts of the cars patiently waiting for me to move away from the pump were obliterated in a blaze of neurons firing down my spine.

I scrabbled desperately behind me for the source of my torment, and closed my fist around a soft, prickly sphere.  How did I get a burr on me, and why did it hurt so much?  Then the burr shook in my hand and I screamed as I flung that furious bumblebee to Timbuktu.

The drive home was unpleasant and as I leaned stiffly away from the back of the car seat, I consoled myself with the thought that at least this bee sting didn't involve the humiliation of the last one.  That marvelous experience involved junior high, a bee trapped in the fortress of my heavily Aqua-Netted bangs and the very hot older guy who lived near me.  So really, it could be worse.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Illumination of an introvert

I recently read a fantastic piece by Carl King that sought to educate the world on my people.  It was so good I'm repeating key parts here with my two cents added in.  I'm curious about your reactions to these thoughts, so comment away! 

Our topic today is that freakish group of individuals known as introverts.  It took me a long time to realize I was a hard-core member of this group, because I believed some of the myths Carl discusses.  There was a huge improvement in my self esteem and quality of life when I realized that my personality wasn't defective, just different.

Carl's a myth that introverts don't like to talk.  They love to talk if they're interested in the subject.

Boy, is this ever true.  Give me a rollicking philosophical discussion about God, the universe or Britney Spears and I can hardly shut myself up.  But interacting with others is work, and I struggle to find the energy to initiate or continue that interaction if we're just talking blandly about the weather.

Carl's a myth that introverts are shy.  They aren't afraid of people but need a reason to talk - they don't have a conversation just for the sake of it.

See above.  If you're a regular reader, you've probably realized by now that shyness is not a problem for me.  I'm really comfortable discussing most topics and have been a TMI terror many times, simply because I didn't realize others don't have that same degree of comfort.  Another fine reason to blog under a nickname - I can happily babble away without encountering the nervous laughter and backing away that happens when you start talking about masturbation at a party in real life.  Just kidding.  Mostly.

Carl's a myth that introverts are rude.  They want everyone to be real and honest, and this isn't acceptable in most circles, so it comes across as rude.

I detest politics, office and otherwise.  It's not that I think everyone has to get along, but if we're going to argue, it should at least be an honest argument.  You can be direct without being nasty.

However, this is one where Carl's being overly generous to us introverts.  I really struggle to feign interest in someone who bores me, or to tolerate a dull situation for an extended period of time.  Being able to do so is a mark of emotional maturity, so I try hard, but I'm not always successful.  Pulling out a book and starting to read it while someone is talking to you is most definitely rude (unfortunately this is only a slight exaggeration of my behaviour in moments of excruciating social boredom).

Carl's a myth that introverts don't like people.  They intensely value their few friends.

I do greatly value my few close friendships, but I have a healthy loathing for the general public.  I'm shocked and exhausted by the daily unpleasantness people exhibit, from tailgating me in rush hour traffic (where the fuck do you think you're going to go?  And if you hit me with my baby in the car, boy you're cruising for a bruising), to stealing my water bottles at the gym, to literally running to beat me to the grocery store line with your giant cart, because your time is so much more important than mine.  Yeah, people suck.  Maybe introverts are just realists.

Carl's a myth that introverts don't want to go out in public.  They just don't want to go out for as long.

So, so true.  I really enjoy social occasions - for the first hour or two.  And then I'm done.  This doesn't mean I didn't have a great time, just that my people tank gets full faster (wow that was a stellar metaphor there.  I should frame it.).

Carl's a myth that introverts always want to be alone.  They're comfortable alone, but feel lonely without a sincere, authentic connection with one person at a time.

I love spending time with my husband and daughter, but I also love my own company and find myself fascinating.  Is that a crime?  Possibly the crime of being a narcissistic princess, but that seems pretty rampant these days, and not limited to introverts.

Carl's a myth that introverts are weird.  They're individualists and don't make decisions based on what's popular or trendy.

Um.  I am weird.  It's not a bad thing.

Carl's a myth that introverts are aloof nerds.

Weird, yes.  Nerdy, no.  At least no more than your usual bookworming, boob flashing accountant.

Carl's a myth that introverts don't know how to relax and have fun.  They just prefer to relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places.

I think the key here is that relaxation and having fun are not the same thing to me.  I could have a great day at an amusement park, followed up by dinner in a busy restaurant and dancing, and come home happy but exhausted.  If I spent every day on a vacation doing this, by the end of the week I'd be jittery with crankiness.   A consistent lack of quiet time by myself is like sleep deprivation - tortuous.

Carl's a myth that introverts can fix themselves and become extroverts.

I yam what I yam.  And I like it like that.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Flipping the bird

Feeling a little cranky today, so I'm linking up with Fawk you Friday.  Here we go...

Fawk you to:
  • my previous boss who is now my peer but keeps treating me like her minion.  It's been a year and half since I got promoted - get over it!  And there's shit on your nose from keeping it rammed up the CFO's ass.

  • the woman at the gym who stole my two full water bottles while I went pee.  Really?  I have to carry my water bottles into the stall with me now?  Bitch.

  • ice cream.  Why do you have to be so good and make me so fat?

  • the 18 people who haven't RSVPed to my dear friend's bachelorette.  She is an amazing, supportive woman who is incredibly generous and this is how you return her many kind gestures?  Female friendship strikes again.

  • The stupid security firewall at work that keeps quarantining my e-mails because they contain "sensitive financial information, which is a violation of e-mail policy".  I am a fucking FINANCE manager, you morons!  Everything I do involves sensitive financial information.

  • The remote which refuses to change the channel unless I hold it at precisely the right angle.  Yes, I am that lazy.


  • The underwire in my bra that keeps digging into the side of my breast and bruising it every day.  A cup size down would be a very good thing at this point.  I'm trying not to think about the special, giant-boob stores I'll have to go to as soon as I get pregnant again.

God, that was satisfying.  I feel like I should smoke something.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I feel like I'm behind or somethin'

Let's laugh!  Here's part three of things that actually make me LOL (click links for parts one and two).  Please excuse the formatting - bulleted lists hate me.

1)     Alberta, Canada - David Zurfluh was stopped by police due to his car swerving along the highway.  He was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence, and while in the back of the patrol car he tried to eat his own underpants in order to absorb the alcohol in his system, prior to taking a breathalyzer test. He told the courts that he removed the crotch section from his underpants before trying to eat them; he spat them out moments later. A class of law students were sitting in on the case in order to get some legal experience, but they had to be removed from the courtroom by their teacher as he had difficulty trying to stop them laughing.

2)     Britney Spears stoned:

3)     Delaware County Sheriff's deputies were responding to calls about a domestic dispute early Saturday adjacent to a hall in Powell, Ohio, which is located just north of Columbus, WBNS-TV reported. A witness at the location informed police his wife, 30-year-old Stephanie Robinette, had gotten drunk during a wedding at the hall and had hit him several times before locking herself in a car.  Sheriff Walter L. Davis III told the station that the woman refused to cooperate.         

When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk, Davis said.  The deputies eventually removed Robinette from the car and she was charged with domestic violence, assault, obstructing official business, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct, WBNS-TV reported. Robinette, who is a teacher at a charter school, pleaded not guilty to the charges and was released from custody yesterday after a video arraignment.

4)     From the book Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History - excerpts from court transcripts:
  • Lawyer: "Are you sexually active?"
    Witness: "No, I just lie there."
  • Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
    Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
  • Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
    Witness: "July 15th."
    Lawyer: "What year?"
    Witness: "Every year."
  • Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
    Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
  • Lawyer: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    Witness: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
  • Accused, defending his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" (The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.)
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    Witness: "No."
    Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    Witness: "No."
    Lawyer:  "Did you check for breathing?"
    Witness: "No."
    Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    Witness: "No."                                                                                  Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
    Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5)     GREENSBURG, Pa. - A Westmoreland County jury on Friday ordered a woman to pay $46,200 to her ex-boyfriend for gluing his genitals to his abdomen. Jurors found in favor of Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh in his civil case against Gail O'Toole of Murrysville after three days of testimony and ordered the payment for pain, suffering and emotional distress, according to television station KDKA. 

"For all the pain and suffering I've been through, and the embarrassment, I don't think it's enough," Slaby told reporters after the verdict.

Slaby's lawsuit said the two broke up in 1999 after dating for 10 months, and he began dating someone else. After he broke up with his other girlfriend, Slaby said, O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep.

He said he woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish. Slaby said O'Toole told him that her actions were payback for their breakup, and he had to walk a mile to a gas station to call for help. He pressed charges and O'Toole pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and spent six months on probation.

6)     Portland, Oregon - Timothy Chapek is accused of breaking into a home on SW Rutland Terrace and then taking a shower on the same day he had been released from the Washington County Jail on a previous charge. 

At around 7 p.m., the owner came home and asked Chapek what he was doing there. That's when Chapek -- fearing the owner's two German Shepherds, as well as the possibility that the owner may have had a gun -- locked himself in the bathroom and called 911. The homeowner also called 911. 

The suspect told an operator: "I broke into a house, and the owner came home..."

The operator, incredulous, asked: "YOU broke into the home?"

The suspect said yes, then after a nervous pause, added: "...I think they have a gun."

I'm participating in Jenna's commenting challenge - check it out here!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Warm in the night

I was cold as a stone.  Questions swirled around me in a toxic haze, steadily scouring away my foundation.  It wobbled under my feet, and I rushed to the book, flipping desperately through the pages for my lost security.  Every word shoving me further off balance. 

Because there's hate where I saw love.  He kissed him and they cuddled their baby and it was beautiful.  A child in this life warm and healthy and adored and I couldn't see the abomination at all.  The newspaper flashing terrible images of rape and murder and no vengeance angel filled the sky with fury, dashing warlords against the rocks.  The wicked prosper.

And I danced an intricate pattern, feet skidding across the platform, arms windmilling for balance amongst the minefields.  I refuse to believe XY is innately superior to XX, and I will not hold my tongue.  You created a world of fireworks and then told us to close our eyes to the blazing glorious sky.  The vibrant colours seared against my eyelids and I couldn't resist anymore; I looked and spheres of exotica exploded around me as the universe burst outward in a kaleidoscopic shudder of joy.

Cage shattered, I stepped out in wonder.  I was free.

I wrote this in response to an Indie Ink writing challenge from Debra, whose prompt was "Let Freedom Ring!"  I challenged Bran with "waking up for the last time."  Since this is something I hesitate to write about, it fits with the red writing hood link-up as well, which asked us to step outside of our comfort zones.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

One for the road

The father driving his daughter home from a swimming lesson in the summer twilight.  If I'd taken your keys instead of calling the cops, they'd still be alive.

This is a Sunday 160 - the link up is here.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Scintillating secrets

This Friday I feel a need for confession...thanks Mamarazzi for the opportunity:


Today I confess that:
  • although I did flash my boobs to everyone at the party by accidentally including a baby and me bath photo in the slide show, I was relieved that at least it was a relatively flattering photo.  There were much less attractive ones available.
  • I'm developing a disturbing addiction to Wal-Mart.  It's so shameful, like picking your bum in public.  But the stuff is really good value!  I just pretend the other patrons aren't there, although it's difficult with their loud, poor grammar...sigh.
  • I want my university ability to withstand hunger back.  My methods weren't healthy, but I looked good and I miss that body.  My old triggers aren't kicking in and I wish they would. 
  • my tolerance for amusement park rides has fallen to an embarrassing level.  J. and I went on Monday and I felt nauseous and head-achey after three rides, none of which were roller coasters.
  • the best part of my vacation so far has been napping - yep, I'm a wild one alright
  • I watched the entire movie of Troy today just so I could properly imagine I was Perseus held captive in Brad Pitt Achilles' tent.  I may have watched a few choice scenes more than once.
  • I broke my summer blackberry resolution already and actually answered several e-mails at 1:00AM this morning.  I don't know what got into me *hangs head*
  • when we went to the amusement park, I was thrilled to notice that every single girl and woman over the age of ten had cellulite, no matter how skinny she was.  Maybe I'm not a freak of nature after all.
  • I'm glad we don't have to go to a cottage this long weekend.  Hours of traffic for blackflies, giant spiders and limited indoor plumbing, when I could just relax in my own beautiful green backyard...I don't get it.
  • It's 3:20AM and I'm wide awake after letting my natural night owl run amok this week.  It's one of my favourite parts of vacation, but I'll be sorry when I go back to work on Monday.  Actually, I'll be sorry in a few hours when S. wakes up.
  • I'm already planning my next vacation.  It's been a long six months since I went back to work after having S. and a week off wasn't enough.
Come and join the linky!  I want to hear your Friday secrets too.